SEX, SEX, SEX
I have a theory about sex.
I don’t know whether it works or not, but I have a hunch it might.
You be the judge.
First, the problem: Many couples don’t have sex. Twenty percent of married couples don’t have sex. One-third of couples living together outside marriage long-term don’t have sex.
At least not regularly. In both categories a new study says “don’t have sex” means less than 10 times a year.
Which is no good.
Because I think sex serves several important natural functions. It is essential to the stability of a relationship, and to the emotional, mental and physical wellbeing of the man and woman involved.
I think that down deep, in our unconscious mind where instincts and psyche rule, having sex is welcomed and rewarded. It resets our being, and strengthens us. It is also a shellac which protects and strengthens a relationship, building that relationship little by little each time it is engaged in.
It is nature’s way. It is a gift from God. It is about far more than pleasure and procreation.
And just as we are stronger when we have sex, we are weaker when we don’t. I honestly believe that those who regularly have sex are more stable and sound, while those who do not become increasingly eccentric and imbalanced.
I also believe that marriages without sex twist and fray, that they grow cold and distant, and that they are not what they can or should be. I believe a sexless marriage produces individuals and a couple who do not function as they should, or as well as they should.
So what do you do about it?
You remember that humans are creatures of habit, and that we are wired to be constantly acquiring habits. That applies to everything in life. If we do something – good or bad – we are more prone to do that same something again. If we don’t do something – good or bad – we are more likely not to do that same something again.
Translation: Tomorrow is going to look a lot like today, only more so.
Here are a couple of examples – prayer and exercise. Say you decide that you want to have a prayer life, that you want to talk to God every day. Fine. That’s a great resolution.
But you are going to have to work hard to establish that habit. You will have to force yourself. You will have to set goals – when and where – and you are going to have to hold yourself accountable to meeting those goals. You will have to put up with the inconvenience of kneeling beside your bed when you want to be going to sleep, and you will have to pray even when you don’t feel like it.
And over time it will become easier and more natural. You will find yourself wanting to pray more, and being reluctant to pray less. In time, it will become a habit, a comfortable and wonderful part of your life, and you wouldn’t think of going to bed without saying your prayers first.
At that point, the beautiful wonders of prayer will begin to unfold for you. You will experience and feel things you never would have imagined.
The same thing is true of starting an exercise program.
And of building or rebuilding a sex life.
Every good thing takes work. And goal setting and responsibility. Nothing precious comes easy or free. We have to work and strive to develop good habits and desirable traits. And sex is no exception.
Foolishly, we forget that, we presume that this human endeavor is different from every other human endeavor. We wait to be “in the mood,” and never quite understand that in life we make our own moods. We establish such elaborate mating rituals that having sex becomes perpetually encrusted with meaningless obstructions dressed up as “romance.”
You don’t have to have a hot tub, or a fancy dinner, or a sexy teddy, or a box of chocolates, or a roomful of candles, or soft music, or a bouquet of roses. All you need is a husband and a wife. Those other things can be pleasant wonderful additions, but they are nothing more than parsley on the plate, meaningless garnish that ends up pushed away and ignored. Where we get in trouble is when we elevate them beyond a rational importance, and the romancing becomes the thing instead of the sex being the thing.
It’s also best to lose the sexist notion that men and women have fundamentally different views on sex. That attitude – namely that men want physical and women want emotional – is itself an obstacle to sex and a healthy relationship. If you think about it, it makes the man a rapist and the woman a prostitute. He does it even though it’s not what she wants and she does it to get his closeness or paycheck or to keep the family together.
The fact is that healthy men and women both fundamentally need sex. There is tremendous variation among individuals, but it is personality and experience based, not gender based.
In addition, ignore that nonsense about being too busy and not having time, and not wanting to wake the kids in the next room. All of that is an excuse. Few couples are honest enough to admit it, but it’s the case. There is time for sex, you can do it without scandalizing the kids, you just have to want to.
Which gets to the plan.
You must establish the habit of having sex, and you must break the habit of not having sex.
So do it. Grab your spouse and do it.
Sit down first, talk it over, be brave enough to discuss it and open enough to make it happen. Decide to have sex at least three or four times a week, no less frequently than every other day. Check off boxes if you have to. Forgive one another for past misunderstandings and throw off the chains of embarrassment or fear. Be supportive of one another, no matter what, and let yourselves go.
Don’t wrap yourself in cellophane, or parade around in feathers, just go in the bedroom and get it done. It doesn’t have to be fancy, we’re not setting romantic records here, we’re establishing a new habit.
If you need sex tips, there’s only one that counts: Focus on pleasing your partner and everything else will take care of itself. If you please her, she’s going to please you, and vice versa, forever and ever, amen.
Persist, and don’t stop. Not after a week, not after a month, not after six months.
And in time it will become a habit. Your body, heart and mind will become accustomed to it, and comfortable with it, and the great benefits which flow from it – for every part of you and your relationship – will naturally happen. Eventually, you will find that what it brings you and your marriage will be beyond your happiest imaginings.
And I’m not just talking about sexual pleasure. That, honestly, may seem secondary to the love and wellbeing you feel. To want and be wanted, to belong to someone and with someone, to have the positive mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical benefits of marital sex will do you overwhelming good.
And your love for your spouse will grow stronger by the day.
And your sex life will flower and fruit as it grows and strengthens and lifts you both. The natural processes of lovemaking will do their work and your sex life and marriage will be everything good that nature and God intended them to be.
After you make the effort to establish the habit, the miraculous blessings that flow from it will be more than you could have dreamed.
Because you will be doing what’s right.
The institution of marriage is weakening in America. This is one of the reasons why. And this is how you fight it.
At least that’s my theory.
You be the judge.
- by Bob Lonsberry © 2012
